If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
You Might Also Like
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
socratic questions
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.