omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
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Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.