Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of EliTerry's best tweets

@EliTerry : you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

@EliTerry: another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

@EliTerry: "looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points" - commentators on my snowboard run

@EliTerry: Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

@EliTerry: TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad's grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad's face
5. Quiznos

@EliTerry: "Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun." - cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

@EliTerry: I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won't find them.

@EliTerry: WE'RE HERE. WE'RE QUEER. YOU'RE THE MAILMAN. I'M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I'LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.

@EliTerry: I brought a gun that shoots knives to a gun fight. Everybody was like whoa. We didn't even fight. Went to get nachos. Cool group of dudes.

@EliTerry: Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life.