my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
My inexpensive home security system…
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.