All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
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Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.