Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Elizasoul80's best tweets

@Elizasoul80 : Therapist: Did someone refer you to me? "Yes, everyone."

@Elizasoul80: [On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
"I'll just wait in the car."

@Elizasoul80: Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You're so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

@Elizasoul80: My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I'm worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

@Elizasoul80: Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn't know is I've been calling myself that since we started talking.

@Elizasoul80: I don't want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

@Elizasoul80: Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn't wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he'd be the first suspect in every crime.

@Elizasoul80: I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone's life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

@Elizasoul80: Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

@Elizasoul80: "I see you've been eating whatever you want and not exercising." -Clothes