Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
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8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.