Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
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[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries