Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
@ElliotHetherton: Me: I got mugged today
Friend: you should tell the police
Sting: there is literally nothing I can do to help you
@ElliotHetherton: Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That's not true
@ElliotHetherton: [family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
@ElliotHetherton: God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying "it's fine, they're way more scared of us than we are of them"