You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
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*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two