Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
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2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Okay me first
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.