I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
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Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I hope google does well on my son’s test
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”