“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
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My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”