The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
You Might Also Like
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME