*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
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“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”