I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
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Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Salad is the decaf of food.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
superman landing like a plane on his belly
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”