does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Are we there yet?…
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo