I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
You Might Also Like
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Received some very disappointing news today
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 馃槶
Last day of lockdown: I鈥檓 going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it鈥檚 only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who鈥檚 the dumb one now?
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
If you don鈥檛 believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.