If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
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“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
pictures of spider-man
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Just so funny
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
what my late-night hot pocket sees
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick