First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
You Might Also Like
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama