How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
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I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
A choir of Spring onions
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Mood.. 😂
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no