Brilliant!
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[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
🙂🐾
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
This made me chuckle.
Bring back the McRib
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?