If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
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[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.