If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
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I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
My wife gives the best headache.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.