A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
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[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.