This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
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It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂