interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
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DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.