April 1st is the class clown of days.
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I feel like one of these would kill a European
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum