Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
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I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Maths meets science
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
this country is so goddamn polarized
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.