Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
You Might Also Like
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I love it all
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.