Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
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With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I want this so bad
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*