Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
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“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Banana is the quietest snack
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
the dark web is just a goth google.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho