Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
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Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
is this how new cars are made??
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
dam girl
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.