The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
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This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.