Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
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Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!