*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
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Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
If only
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.