Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
You Might Also Like
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.