Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
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1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.