[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
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Lmao
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.