DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
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I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.