I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
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Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Oh we’ve met.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???