If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
You Might Also Like
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
People buying plungers never look happy.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.