[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
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Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
all that yoga finally paid off
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
never deleting this app.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Stonehinge
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.