I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
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Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I wish I were this cool 😂
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
What personal space?
My dog
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Going to church you guys need anything
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring