Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
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Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is