I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
You Might Also Like
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.