GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
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god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Me in tagged photos
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)