My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
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I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
😞
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Netflix and you sit over there.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.