Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
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So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this