Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
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It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is